December 2014, Chiclayo, Peru
The realization I have to leave soon has made my heart into an open wound. It bleeds sadness. On the other hand a feeling of coming freedom touches the air, it caresses my thoughts, giving my feelings goosebumps.
I would have finally stayed somewhere. Main reason: him. I know: not smart. Well, for me, my body and mind, my girl and I and just for my girl it would... could have been actually very good.
The three of us is an already fading memory. That it cannot be has to be ok, for I have to be.
Surviving. Emotionally surviving, that’s what I’m doing these last days. I know that carrying her is hardly possible for me anymore. She's, and not only according to me, heavy. However, I strap on the carrier. Her arms are already waiting in the air for me to pick her up.
I start walking. Walking from here to the beach-town. Not the three of us as was our plan, decided not long ago after I arrived in this small town. Like many plans and wants it'll never happen. I feel my broken pieces rambling inside of me.
I need this physical challenge to overcome the emotional one. First I head towards the big street and then start walking along the side of it. The pedestrian sidewalk soon vanishes under my feet becoming rocks and sand. The view isn’t beautiful. I hardly care.
My girl gets restless. I take out my phone to show her one of the few movies I have on it and which she has already seen over and over. She grabs the phone out of my hands.
“Not the love you hear in your favourite song on the radio, I mean real love, true love, boundless love…”* Yes, I think, real love, that’s what I want to breathe in and out.
When the video isn’t enough anymore I take out the wonders of nature for her to drink from.
The sun comes through. With my hand I try to protect her from the burning sun. I lower my sunglasses, letting the rest of my face get burned. I feel drops of sweat going down my back and between my breasts. It reminds me of when I used to dance a lot. A good memory.
The road I follow shows all but love. It shows garbage. It shows trees who are in need of friends. It shows rocks and sand, unclear what to be: road or nature.
My red tight skirt, my earrings, my walking boots, me carrying a child and of course last but not at all least, the gringa that I am is probably a not very common sight.
Cars pass, some slow down and lights of taxi’s wink at me. “Chiclayo, Chiclayo!” I hear some shout. This time I don’t feel like responding one bit. I focus on my muscles working and accept the light pain I feel. I even welcome it.
When I get there, well the park of the town, for the beach doesn’t give me the horizon I want to see at this moment, I put my girl down. She starts to crawl and smile a lot. It makes my I-needed-this feeling extra satisfying, and him telling me later it’s (only) 4 kilometres doesn’t changes the feeling: I will survive!
* This is a quote from the video I published above this blog. One of the videos that gets to me every time and is very important... the new and modern 'Imagine' of John Lennon to me.
The realization I have to leave soon has made my heart into an open wound. It bleeds sadness. On the other hand a feeling of coming freedom touches the air, it caresses my thoughts, giving my feelings goosebumps.
I would have finally stayed somewhere. Main reason: him. I know: not smart. Well, for me, my body and mind, my girl and I and just for my girl it would... could have been actually very good.
The three of us is an already fading memory. That it cannot be has to be ok, for I have to be.
Surviving. Emotionally surviving, that’s what I’m doing these last days. I know that carrying her is hardly possible for me anymore. She's, and not only according to me, heavy. However, I strap on the carrier. Her arms are already waiting in the air for me to pick her up.
I start walking. Walking from here to the beach-town. Not the three of us as was our plan, decided not long ago after I arrived in this small town. Like many plans and wants it'll never happen. I feel my broken pieces rambling inside of me.
I need this physical challenge to overcome the emotional one. First I head towards the big street and then start walking along the side of it. The pedestrian sidewalk soon vanishes under my feet becoming rocks and sand. The view isn’t beautiful. I hardly care.
My girl gets restless. I take out my phone to show her one of the few movies I have on it and which she has already seen over and over. She grabs the phone out of my hands.
“Not the love you hear in your favourite song on the radio, I mean real love, true love, boundless love…”* Yes, I think, real love, that’s what I want to breathe in and out.
When the video isn’t enough anymore I take out the wonders of nature for her to drink from.
The sun comes through. With my hand I try to protect her from the burning sun. I lower my sunglasses, letting the rest of my face get burned. I feel drops of sweat going down my back and between my breasts. It reminds me of when I used to dance a lot. A good memory.
The road I follow shows all but love. It shows garbage. It shows trees who are in need of friends. It shows rocks and sand, unclear what to be: road or nature.
My red tight skirt, my earrings, my walking boots, me carrying a child and of course last but not at all least, the gringa that I am is probably a not very common sight.
Cars pass, some slow down and lights of taxi’s wink at me. “Chiclayo, Chiclayo!” I hear some shout. This time I don’t feel like responding one bit. I focus on my muscles working and accept the light pain I feel. I even welcome it.
When I get there, well the park of the town, for the beach doesn’t give me the horizon I want to see at this moment, I put my girl down. She starts to crawl and smile a lot. It makes my I-needed-this feeling extra satisfying, and him telling me later it’s (only) 4 kilometres doesn’t changes the feeling: I will survive!
* This is a quote from the video I published above this blog. One of the videos that gets to me every time and is very important... the new and modern 'Imagine' of John Lennon to me.
Goed beschreven, ik herken je er helemaal in. (Al dringt Engels minder tot mij door dan Nederlands.)
BeantwoordenVerwijderenDank! Wie weet schrijf ik :) ooit weer (ook) Nederlands.
VerwijderenHey Chica,
BeantwoordenVerwijderenThis is a challenging moment that you are going to overcome. It will make your skin tougher and your mind, stronger. Nourish your optimism by remembering of all the amazing people you met on the road and the help that came when needed. Be open to it.
Love you.
Have never ever vergotten those precious people in my life. I miss some of them really much. Same is happening with the one in my story.
VerwijderenWell I have also learned by now that emotions, thoughts and all stretch less, like skin, like wrickles... and get scars... The older you get.
Tired of learning trough the negative sides of life. After more then 6 years I am ready for someone and somewhere to stay at least a bit longer.
But like all I see two sides... and it hurts because the memories were also so very great... And Niamh needs someone besides me... Could be someone like a friend too who knows her very well.
Thanx for your words. ...and oh yes! Love you too! X!
Met name trof mij de zin "I need this physical challenge to overcome the emotional one." Dat is een goede manier om ermee om te gaan. Sterkte, en een gelukkig 2015 voor jou en Niamh!
BeantwoordenVerwijderen