Too lazy, for I'm too busy

Only three weeks from now I will fly with my baby-girl to Ecuador. So preparing for what will be our creative adventurous life together. 

Yes, it’s exiting, even scary sometimes, but hee, staying would scare the shit out of me!

Preparing also brought me to some travel blogs. I must say, it does inspire!

So I read and looked at some of these blogs. Great adventures! Beautiful photos! Perfectly written and designed blogs! It made me realize… MY BLOG SUCKS! 

I’m truly impressed how people prepare their travels, even can live from their blogs! But I feel I can be much more open and intimate by writing further on that book in novel-style I've started. It's way too private to post it in a blog. Or tell my stories at a campfire. 

This blog of mine will never become famous or perfectly designed. I confess, I’m just way too lazy for that... and too busy with other things. Guess I also had it with making any effort, in promoting things. Maybe having my own business as an artist, that failed, has made me tired doing such things. Or I was tired during, that's why it failed. Anyway...

I just want to feel the wind going through my hair again.

So this blog-site of mine, well, don’t expect too much of it, but still who knows... and it's not that bad... AH, COME ON!

Now back to my baby.

Birth announcement

NIAMH SEVERINE ten Dam

This healthy, beautiful and sweet girl was born, after living in the womb for 41 weeks, on 27th of August at 00:49.

Finally I can see and enjoy you my love!
Made the first giant leap: giving birth*
Came back on earth
To see beauty
Like I've never seen and felt before on this planet
All I wish is love and peace
(Call me a modern hippie, I just call it love!)
To enjoy this life with you
That life enjoys you
You have reborn me


* referring to the poem 'Reborn (soon)' I wrote before. 

(click the image to see larger)

Reborn (soon)

9 months ago…

I landed on the moon
And time stretched
Making my weight heavier
Pushing the limits of my steps
Becoming aware of the fragileness of breathing

Alone I stand
And I see
The earth from here
…
Reflecting myself inside out

Soon new born
In the birth of life

I can hardly wait
To get back to earth
With a new pair of eyes
To see for her and with her

It’s a small step for mankind
On giant cool leap for me

Lighting up the fire

I just like myself better in some other places and countries.

I figured this out recently. It suddenly came in more clear words to me.

Most of you know I’m not that happy to be back in the Netherlands, even if it’s good and necessary for now. I must say, also the surrounding countries I wouldn’t prefer.
What’s wrong with this country and with you?! Some people think this, well, it’s more: What feels right for me.

How you react to your surroundings and how the surroundings react to you.

Of course places are different, how can one deny this? People react different to you, the culture, nature, and all is different. I like things in the Netherlands, which I miss somewhere else and other way around. One thing is, that I feel more free posting my half-naked belly photos now I’m here. More artistic and emancipated freedom I guess?

When people say it’s all about how you feel yourself and it doesn’t matter where you live, I can only laugh. Why?

Well first of all, they mean not living everywhere, but staying at one place. Making the once-made-habit the only right way of living and you should hold on to whatever happens.

It’s almost always said by people who have lived in only one country even place throughout their lives. Sometimes they are a little stuck themselves and want to believe this so badly, to not have to think about it or maybe make some changes in their own lives. So, wanting to leave is like seen as the wrong habit. Like you are running from something, while staying is sometimes also running from the fact you need change.

Second, it’s not true. You can already prefer one city to the other, nature over the city in one country, let alone differences between other countries and cultures.

Once you travel, hitchhike, live in various places and countries and such, you’ll see all the differences and also all the similarities much clearer. I even haven’t seen much yet. Still a lot to discover. Meeting others, other habits and such, is also like meeting yourself again.  

Dependent happiness

If you’re not happy with yourself, it can stay with you wherever you are. But inside I’m a happy person, so I do not feel that that counts for me.

I can pretend I am happy everywhere. To give one example that proves to opposite: when in Turkey I got so much attention from guys. Believe me it wasn’t normal anymore! I felt like constantly having to stand up for myself, for being a single lady. (By doing this, I also gained a lot of respect.)

In Brazil on the other hand, I felt relaxed in what I was wearing, didn’t feel I had to cover myself that much to still be able to go relaxed across the streets, without everyone looking at me, or wanting something from me.

It can be great to get attention, but it can also be suffocating. I preferred Brazil. Even If I have great memories of Turkey, I truly felt traumatized afterwards. (A story for another time and place.)

Homesick

When I saw this photo of Rio de Janeiro, I suddenly felt a little homesick. A little, because I have only been one short week in this city and only 3 months in Brazil.

Why homesick? I mean it was a difficult time for me, in which I had to make some important decisions, was morning sick and so on. I guess because it had nothing to do with Brazil itself.

Everywhere I’ve met great people. The good, the bad and the ugly. But somehow most people I met in Brazil makes me feel very warm and happy inside when I think of them. Their mentality is different. More me? I do not know, just that I felt better about myself there.

There are more reasons of course of feeling good outside the Netherlands. There I’m new, the traveler, the adventurer, a free spirit, without history, more awake and aware. People look at me in that way.

I really don’t believe one country is better then another, but one has preferences. People are people everywhere and still atmosphere is different everywhere. I can’t imagine though a warzone making a lot of people happy.

I have seen and heard people becoming happier by moving. Sometimes moving and coming back, is good too. You realize even more why you feel or don’t feel happy and good somewhere. So coming back made me realize, I should only do it for special reasons.

I think once you travel more and more free, everyone understands what I am talking about. Change is healthy for body and soul.

My fire

The photo lighted up the fire in me. After seeing it, I took a bath to relax my big belly, and for the first time, since a long time, I felt more open, fresh and happy again in my head. Memories did that to me, but also the excitement of what the future holds for me.

Normally I live very much in the present, but that present feels like waiting, since I can hardly do anything else.

The feeling first confused me, because of also the difficult times I had there. But those feelings had nothing to do with the place and country itself. I am aware of that.

That fresh feeling in my head is what I go for in life. Call it freedom or not, but I do. I’m not scared of all those other feelings when the basic in me feels so awake, so open, and so alive to life.

Lighting up

At least I have to go back to South America and live life from there. Mommy’s smile will also light up my little Niamh’s first years. An adventure together! Doing things, making decisions that’s best for both our happiness. It won’t always be easy, but that’s ok, part of the deal. It was harder before…

The world is big and full of possibilities once you dare, dare to see.

She will lead me to new places, thoughts, feelings and views, by looking through her eyes to this world. You are so welcome to come into my life, into this world.

Doing what I can

note: this blog is not for time-stressed people. It might relax you though, so you could also give it a try.

Why do I do what I do? I ask myself this lately. Being smart sometimes can make one so stupid. I know, I still need to learn a lot. I know I also know a lot. But what I know, does it satisfy me, makes me happy?

You want an answer already? Well, at least half of the time the answer is: no.

My critical and analytical part seems to pop up more then ever lately. Everything I read and hear, brings thoughts and opinions into my mind, making my fingers itch to write them, my mouth twitch to say them.

Is this a part of me, which I can personally like, almost be proud of? (If it is already possible to be proud of oneself?) Yes, I can see the ‘fun’ of it, but only when it would pop up now and then.

Is it a basic need, a good part of life? I already figured this one out for myself, and the answer is...give me some music here: 

: no!

There is so much more. So much, that I will not even write about it now and distract myself or you, dear reader, of what I wanted to say, the point I wanted to make and making this blog even longer. 
I guess the point I wanted to make is more towards myself. But hé, maybe it's still interesting for you to keep on reading? I don't know? To get to know me even better perhaps? Or maybe it makes you think about yourself and you get to know yourself better through it? What is really important to you? Do you live your life or are you being lived?

Lately this critical analytical thinking has come back and too much for my taste. Why? Well read on… or not. Wow, freedom!

Though I doubted so many times lately to post things I had already written. And by not posting them, I feel like not achieving anything. So now I will dare, and pray to evolution to be gentle with me.

This is my life at the moment and sharing it with you. My blog has been asleep for a while. Reason is my participation on Facebook again. Yes, I was cheating.

I came back to this addiction, after three months of soberness. My pregnancy makes me almost incapable doing anything and I needed some distraction, to fill my days. Days that are in a way, days of waiting. 

Not being possible to live the way I used to, to even walk the way I used to, dance, sit and so on, is never easy. Even if it brings me new moments of intense joy, like the WOW-feeling of her moving inside of me.

I was back for a while on Facebook. It has made me, without intention to do so in the first place, think of who I am and which part of me I rather be or see blooming.
Conclusion: I guess the blooming part has to wait anyway and I can definitely not find that on FB or other online networks.

Having some interaction online can be fun. I like that part of it. Sometimes making me laugh, think or meet new people. There is also an opposite side to it: it is and can also become shallow. A lot of the times it leads into discussions, even being insulted (on purpose). And sorry to say, but Dutch people love to complain, a lot! If the weather would be a person, it would have a very low self esteem by now.

My fault of course is, I can’t take distance to that discussion part, I admit that. But at least something is happening there and it’s not only shallow. Unfortunately it often leads to nothing. Well irritation and grumpyness I guess.

Experiencing life: to smell, feel, hear, see and taste it. To combine instincts, with emotions, feelings and thoughts, into a more balanced way. Using these senses and this balance to build up who I am, how I live, how I think, what I choose and do, is what satisfies me much more and I should say most.

Why I can hardly do these, often called: simple things in life, anymore? I already explained a litlle and will explain more later on. Also this isn’t an obvious way of living anymore in this world it seems. If it ever was? 
So you have to have a fuck-you-mentality a lot before getting anywhere there where you want to be. And sometimes I just want to be me, without being judged, or having to do so much for my freedom. All the 'F'ing makes one tired.
But judged you will be. I know: as a single pregnant women, that doesn’t drink or use drugs, dances like she is on speed, “high on life” itself, lives vegan and lives and travels the way she does… Sometimes being simple, read: average, would make life easier, but also more boring and more important: less me.

It’s becoming even more difficult to experience this all, in a world that consists more and more on knowledge outside the senses, instincts and feelings, of having (read: buying) things and not experiencing life.
Yes, money can make you travel, do things, make you experience things too, true, but without it or with only a little bit it’s also possible. I hitchhiked, couchsurfed, enjoyed dancing and physical contact. Also being pregnant is an experience in itself, sometimes making you aware of other senses and things that are interesting and valuable in life. These are things that don't cost you a thing like money or doesn’t need a lot of it to help you experience it. 
Though it seems that many pregnant women are more insecure about if they have bought the right and enough stuff for there baby to come, then that they have enough and right love for the little one to give. Or is it just a cover up, for their insecurity. Not a good way to enjoy the pregnancy time and to redeem feelings of guilt, I must say.
Well, that's another blog subject for me to write about I guess. But to say one last thing about that (sorry, it's that itch thing!): most of the time it's just copying the crowd and not 'listening' to whom you are and to the individual to come.

Getting back to the Facebook thing, I feel I had to quit with it again. It’s so easy, when you have all the time, to check it again, and again, and again…  And maybe I will later again. But for now, I rather face the loneliness and boredom, then the stress discussions bring. Or to keep chitchatting online and read about people going to sleep or waking up. Yes, we all take a shit too, but I wouldn’t write about it. Well, maybe just to get even with the boredom brought on the timeline. Wait, I’ll be right back, have to take a … to go to the toilet.

Back. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Fun thing though about FB is, keeping in touch with people you know and meeting new people. But I did that before in the real world and enjoyed it more. And lately nobody, except one, came to the place I am living now. My parents place.

I am tired to explain I have litte money and I am pregnant! My body can hardly carry a bag and is faster tired. Well it is already tired. My pregnancy is not going bad, no iron shortage or high blood pressure there, healthy moving baby, but it's also not going smooth at all. (My belly is protesting now, that I'm sitting to long, so lets finish this up.)

Friendship comes from both ways, right? Well, you would expect that at least. People always have no time for whatever reasons… and then we die…

This last has made me think a lot throughout my life. It seems we need a deadly disease to figure out what's important to us. COME ON! Wake up, before it’s too late.
Never heard people on the end of their lives regretting the job or work they didn’t do. Number one regret: not spending enough time with the people they loved and saying the things they wanted to say to them. The nice things I mean. But also meeting new people and places: traveling more, are high on the to-do-list. If I would have thought sooner...
Nobody is perfect and you can’t constantly think of the end of your life. Not a smart idea, but still! Life is too short. So live it, the best you can.

So what can I do? Besides enjoying some minutes a day feeling Niamh move, kick, having the hiccups and such?

I can hardly concentrate on reading, so nope, sorry that isn't an option. I sometimes read short news articles, but then the itching starts. I start to think too much, making me restless. TV is fun sometimes, but only for a short time. I haven’t had a TV for more then ten years. It makes me crazy and also restless. I sometimes move: walk and swim. But that’s not more then one or two hours a day. I work on translating and editing an ICT book for someone. More then 3 hours a day is enough. That is enough sitting and concentration.

I just have to accept that I won’t be too happy the coming two months. People say two months are short, but they don’t have any idea how slow time can go when you’re pregnant. I feel like I’m pregnant for at least a year now. And miss my adventurous, chaotic life.

I’m very happy when she is there. Also a much better reason to have little sleep. Finally having something to do, to experience something new! I hope she comes three or two weeks earlier then the supposed date. Before that, I have to give birth in the hospital and for both of us I wouldn’t want that. But the date I’m due, hope not!

I talked to her about it already. I will relax my body when I feel time is right, will welcome her to the outside-the-womb-world and just as an extra I will pray to evolution.

Mind and body maintenance

Sitting in the waiting space of the research company, I take one of their magazines from the table. The cover is too glossy. Still that year of Graphic Design is affecting my first reaction on a magazine. I try to find an interesting research project to read about. Next page. No, next. Maybe next? No, also not interesting. My thoughts go fast and in no random order. I think I have pregnancy-ADHD.

Do we need those changes? Shall I eat something now? People just like to develop, without thinking if it really develops the way we live. What are those people talking about, hmm, he seems to be interested in how the security system works. We are standing further and further away from our being, our emotions, our instincts. Do we really need those changes?

I look at the screen behind me. It is showing a bad animation about an app for children to scan what they want to buy, to know if it is better, less calories and so on. Complimenting them when the choice they make is a more healthy one. We are fucked up! Instead of changing the industry, our way of thinking, our habits, we have to condition our children now (when they are already old and conditioned so much by then), instead of thinking how to prevent these problems. 
Well, researchers need something to do, I guess. I understand the excitement of discovering new ideas, new methods, new products and all, but you would think that logic thinking would be involved. That is to say: also thinking about the necessity of putting something into action.
I just do not really believe it will work, at least not enough. Why do we lose so much trust in a more basic life, that is more full of contact with people, nature, basic needs like (healthy) food, movement, music and so on. The real living deal. That kind of place is where I would want to bring up my child.

If research makes us more respectful towards each other, life itself, nature, then I want to be a part of it, for the rest? Why do we keep on believing that having more apps, more stuff makes us happier? Maybe because nature is loosing space, we forget the smell of it? For me, the less I have the more rich I feel in my mind.

But now I am distracted. A man fresh in suit and appearance, comes my direction and sits down in the chair next to me. He really feels revived from the weather and tells me so. I have to admit to him I like the sun, but the heat makes me tired, also my allergies are kicking in big time now. I say something about Brazil, the weather, and remember I am in the very low cut dress I bought there. My milky breast popping up, my belly in her full glory. It is half covered by a vest I am wearing. I feel not quite comfortable without it, I must confess. So I also wear it to not shock the Dutch people, who are more prudish and judgmental then they want to believe themselves to be. But even with the vest I stay conspicuous in this business area anyway.
He seems curious about the whole of me and listens to me with a gentleman look and interest in his eyes. PING! Ping! Ping, ping, ping... He already got himself a lot of points!
A women, who is his appointment or takes him there, arrives. They say hello, we say goodbye. Too bad, the conversation was just about to start. When he passes the glass door he turns his head just to look at me. Our eyes meet and then he is gone.

Almost six months... yes, six months! My body could use some natural boost. No pills, no apps to revive me, just a nice guy and some good loving body maintenance. I will not force it, research the why's and how's, conquer a man like I used to. (It was fun then.) I will let him come naturally. 

(And yes, you may smile at that last sentence, I did. ;))


I think we need some music now... so here is my latest favorite song discovery! 

I like to interprete a song my way sometimes. The 'I' is me and the 'she' is my little one:

She's up all night 'til the sun
I'm up all night to get some
She's up all night for good fun
I'm up all night to get lucky

My inside adventure!

Today I had my third echo. Watch the photos and video links beneath. She, yes it is 99% certain a she now, human too, looks totally healthy and I really feel her kicking a lot since a couple of days now and today during the echo even more. Even the woman who did the echo could feel her.

Oh yeah, I just do not understand the question: are you thinking of breastfeeding her? HELL YEAH! It makes me think why people want children in the first place? To become director over nature? Typical humans... scared of their own beautiful instincts and given body. Women breasts are made for it. And the woman of the echo is not talking if I CAN give breast milk, there are some exceptions of course... but come on women?!
I think it is totally cool my breasts are getting a double function. ;)

There are several times a day I am surprised of the fact I am pregnant. I can still hardly believe it! It is weird, sometimes it feels like it is not me, it should not happen to me, but more often it feels like a new adventure I am very curious about. 
I know most people would now describe me as a becoming mom, but my own feeling is: I am a becoming caretaker and her first friend... hopefully best friend... :P

VIDEOS:

First full echo, when she was 14 weeks and 7 cm long LINK

Second full echo, today, when she was more then 22 weeks and about 28 cm long LINK

PHOTOS:

The no choice go zone

To the zero point
Raw and cold
Let it hit me like a feather
Caress me with its bitterness
Taking the time with time, I will

Freed by ones incapability, confuses
Who am I to blame, who am I to thank?
Me? You? Me? You?

Look and see
Those beggar hands of mine
They need to be dusted, turned
Onto my belly
Waving hello to life's beauty

I will take pain
The one with reason, thank you
With a welcome relieve

I await the day to cry with her
Once the air hits our lungs

She, to taste my milk
I, the full taste of life

In NL, but not for good… for the better & Belly Conversations

Click on the link in the email to go to the blog and see the photos better and to leave a reaction, always nice knowing that you read it and to hear your stories.

Oh nope, not back as an official citizen. But just a day or two before I would have my ticket booked to Ecuador I decided to go back to The Netherlands for my little one.  

(You can skip this first paragraph if you already know my reason.)
I had some problems. A ‘hard belly’ to be more exactly. It was for hours and hours non-stop and that is not normal to have that non-stop or too much too early in the pregnancy. Physical stress was my reason, I am sure of that. You can also get it with mental stress, when the baby moves and with orgasms… well, didn’t have too much of those, unfortunately. Walking up and down, the crowds, the heat, São Paulo became too much for me. Since pregnant I need more rest and time to relax. Anyway, to be sure there was nothing more going on then the necessity to move my butt less, I went to the ER. My little one's heartbeat was just perfect and the hard belly had not gotten into real contractions with the risk of going into labor. But I can tell you, I practiced enough, for hard belly's are also preparing you for going into labor. 

After this happened I decided to not get myself in those risks again and to go to my parents to relax there. If I would get this in Ecuador I would have the risk to have to quit my job and really get homeless. And since my parents live in The Netherlands...  My visa was also almost expired. So after a tiring plane journey, getting a hard belly again due to the air pressure, I was back in the country I once used to call my home.
Ok, ten months is not a long time to have be gone, but believe me, I have been through so much, that it feels like years and years.

My cheeks touched the cold. Oooh, how I missed the weather every Dutch person rather gets rid off. I could breath again, my blood was flowing and giving me immediate energy. But oh, how I will miss the freshness of the non typical Western countries. I have to, and will accept being here for a while.

For now I also have a new adventure. It is growing inside of me.

She maybe hears me sing when we are in the shower. Since she is in my life it is like my voice has changed. I have a reason to sing. She maybe hears me also when I walk and talk to her.

I am past the official half of pregnancy and sometimes feel my restless belly telling me she is moving. Then I push with my fingers on my belly and wait, sometimes short afterwards I feel her reaction. We have this little belly conversation. It tickles a little bit, feeling like a very soft nail is going over the inside of my skin or sometimes even like a long soft fart :), or I feel small *plops*. You just feel the difference. It is nothing like I ever felt before.

I am very fast tired and can not take anything stressful. My body is so alert. Love being alone with her. If I can not sleep, I do not mind. Especially when I feel my restless belly and know she is moving, I do not care how tired I am then. That are always fun moments. 

Yes, and there is something pushing on your blather, so at least three times a night I go to the bathroom, and then I am thirsty and hungry again. Can not eat too much at once.

I am used to not sleep very well and now I have at least a better reason. But when I sleep I dream a lot! Read it is normal in this stage of pregnancy. 

I have to find my new rhythm, new movements. Too much walking is not possible and too fast is impossible. Immediately my belly gets hard and tells: NO Viv! The Dutch flat landscape is perfect to enjoy some walking and my parents live outside. Dancing… miss it, but my energetic jumping around has to wait.

Freedom is my all. I have learned a lot. Also: the more I learn the less I know. Only every form of discrimination I can hardly even discuss anymore. What is there to talk about? When something small, like a guy making, what he thinks is a funny remark, about women have to go to the toilet a lot, I just think he is stupid. He just doesn't know anthing about the female and male body, the differences what you are born with and that it has nothing to do being emotionally weak or something. But the sound in his voice, tells me how he thinks this just simple fact is funny. Oh, get a life dude!

Unbelievable how too many men in this world who of course come from women discriminate them. Let us not discuss now who is to blame...

I have learned that The Netherlands never has really been my place, like enough people have told me throughout my life.

I have learned that living in the moment is the only thing you are certain of and that it is beautiful as well as tough. Especially when you want something or someone so much. But living in the moment is much intenser. Thinking of your past can also be living in the moment, when it is relevant.

I have realized even more that feeling and being rich has nothing to do with possessions.

I have realized how difficult life can be for people. Their past very tough and loneliness deep.  

I have learned how warm people are in this world, how very helpful! So many people I want to thank for their help, their stories, their fun, their interest and their trust in me: doing it my way this life. Many people I still remember very well I met on my journey. It feels good to still have contact with some of them.

I have realized that a child will change my life, but that doesn’t mean the way many people say it will. I am in for an adventure, but still living in this world.

Anybody knows how to get one of these? ;) :

   

- Check my photos here… to start with my last 'Pregnant Viv' photos: LINK

- My newest poem I will publish after this blog. Please see my poems as word-art, or to keep in the mood of the blog: word-adventures. Even though it is personal, doesn’t mean I live in that feeling I describe constantly.

Storms from within

The hunting storm

The high buildings at night
Finally surrounded by sleeping cars
Lets a sigh through my lips, kissing the wind
The city caresses back
Without tongues touching to take it passed skin-deep

Every time I am getting a life, I leave

A storm in my own house
Uncovers the instincts in me
Scaring the hell out of rules

The refreshing progress of awakening

The layers of humans are everywhere
And always that dirty rotten hidden one
You could have that love of your life
Sending coordinations into your head to Viv-land
In the end he was just sending me 'distance between us'

A storm in my own house
Makes no other time but my own
So I give it that place on the life-map

I say goodbye to new loved ones
And jobs I successfully make my own
Just to go before the time makes memories I do not want to make

The wind is growing into a storm again

Feeling that freedom will hunt me down as soon as I would deny her
In all the things others believe they have to say about my way
They try to have their ways justified, when there is only one way: your way

The storm leaves a smile
That frees my face alive

-----------------



Doubting days

Doubt doesn't diminish in the weeks passing
It gains weight
Showing

Keeping the mess outside
Seems to lock me in
Running between four walls
I see fading freedom

This beauty, for it is
- I even smiled to it -
Is like a movie scene
Out of my life
But I play the leading role
Pretending I know the script
While being directed
By the law of my female body

And love is all I need to give
Love is all I have
So I will be fine

So I will be fine
On repeat
Beats up
My mind

Like the wrong body carries
One else's beautiful truth

-----------------



Let the best fool win

It comes
Crawling
Even through
Gutters of my mind

Making me make
Same mistakes
Over and over
On repeat

Dear future:
Hopefully fools win
In the end of something

In the believe
Everyone
Every situation
Every past
Changes something
And that that something
Could be me

Well
Stupid stubborn me
Holding on

. . .
Fantasizing
. . .

My brick bones
My cement licks
Building a new love fall

This unbelievable believe
Without ending it seems
Give it a name:
Delusory hopes?
With love fools like me
Who can foretell?

I feel like giving up on hope
To bruise myself no more

In the end of something
Hopefully fools win